This was from my journal 7 years ago. It is painful to translate into english and into any words because I remember my feelings. It hurt. It was love. It was painful. I felt alone. I think that most mums and dads feel the same sometimes. But mine was me and I felt like I was the only person in the world at that time – aside from a tiny human being that looked to me for everything.
Crazy Wife is off to work. I’m alone. Not really alone, because I have this tiny thing next to me that is sleeping with tiny breaths and is quiet (atleast for 5 minutes).
I have to figure out how to navigate her being in my arms and then get the formula and bottle ready at the most perfect temperature it can be. I’m sure there is a smell getting ready to happen from her tiny little marshmallow butt. I knew I should have put pampers and wipes in every section of the house at arms length.
I’m watching Pingu and laughing because it’s cute. I’m still trying to figure out if I put her down on her stuffed elephant and walk away for 30 seconds and if she will really sleep. Maybe she needs me. Maybe I can’t let her go to the stuffed elephant because I will be bad father if I put her down just to go to the toilet or get the formula. What if she falls? What if the pillows I put on the floor smother her? Ok. I will just sit and wait.
Crazy Wife is off to work and she is talking to real people. People that talk back to her. People that actually have something to say. I’m here. I have a 3 month old in my arms that talks back to me but I have no idea what she is saying. Crazy Wife gets to go to dinner and see people and laugh. I don’t feel like laughing. I feel like I’m the only person in the world right now.
I miss my friends. I miss having people call me and say ‘Lets go out’. I miss being ok going to the toilet and spending my man time in there without a worry or a care about a crying baby. I miss spending my money on phone credit and a new pair of sunglasses instead of pampers and onesies. I miss my wife coming home and we have an amazing kiss and plan the evening and not her coming in and reaching for this bundled up little cherub.
I don’t know if there are other dads out there that have this. My family says I should work. My friends leave after 20 minutes when she screams or is forced to be awake from the loud noise when its her nap time. I’m sure there must be other dads. Maybe not here. It’s all Arab and there is no one I could connect with. I feel alone.
Today, I really feel alone. I feel like there is no one that knows what I feel. I feel guilty calling my mom to ask her about the baby rash. I feel guilty about not feeling happy about where I am right now. I feel guilty that I am not being the best dad I thought and really wanted to be.
I really thought that everything would be like a happy picture in a magazine. Everyone hugging each other, romantic times together, flinging my daughter up in the air in some beautiful beach scene, laughing and joking and watching her take her first step.
It wasn’t that. It isn’t that. I don’t know if it will ever be that.
I want to see all of those things. I want to be a family like in picture books and not poop and making sure she is breathing.
Do I regret? I don’t know. Sometimes, I do. But then there are times like now where she is laying with me and she is so cute and I can’t imagine my life without her. What is my life without her?
I want to sleep. I want to go out. I want to hug her. I want to go at the moment and see friends or just drive. I want to touch her soft skin. I want to take my wife on a date. I want to watch her sleep and make sure she is ok. I want to go and wash my car and just sit and have coffee. I want to make sure her rash is not bothering her.
I don’t know when this ends but I hope I love her and still have a life.
Back to current life.
I would change her pampers, I would check her rash, I would let her sleep, I would do anything for both of them. They are my life and if I had one tiny glimpse into what would be 7 years later, I would have relaxed and I would have taken a breath and realised that I was ok, we were ok, she was just fine and just needed me.
I didn’t realize at the time how much I needed her, too.